I have felt a huge shift over the last three years, specifically in relation to my ambition, drive and inner dreamer. My friends and family all know me as someone who has always rejected ‘reality’ and how things ‘should be done’. My mum has a running joke that I will always take the most complicated route/way around things and she’s not wrong!! Whilst this is probably a mix of undiagnosed raging ADHD and the way I think, I have proven to be ‘successful’ in the eyes of society nevertheless – becoming a lecturer at age 22, winning awards, always getting top grades etc. But none of that matters as much as learning to trust myself and my own path – even when it didn’t look like what I ‘should’ do.

However, when I finished working full-time in my lecturer job, I went through a bit of a quarter-life crisis – I felt like I just hit this wall where everything just suddenly stopped and I wondered what I even wanted. I’ve always been a creative; my favourite things to do as a child were to colour in, play make believe and play The Sims (if you know, you know hehehe). These are some of the things I have reintroduced into my life which have enabled me to reconnect with my inner child and introduce more play into my life. Like DAMN being an adult really stifles your creativity if you don’t make intentional time for it.

I remember feeling so utterly lost for the whole two years of being 24/25 (erm, how am I nearly 27 by the way – I thought we were all still at uni… now I teach/mentor uni students!!) – but I remember feeling so hopeless. Like I was living the same day on repeat, every day – with absolutely no desire to change it. Looking back, I am grateful that I had this monotonous time though. Three years in therapy, a degree that has opened my career opportunities exponentially and allowed me to work remotely wherever I am in the world, and trying to run a business – it’s a lot, but it’s also a privilege. I have realised that the reason I had to be in this routine was because I was doing the quiet work behind the scenes which wasn’t glamorous at all! I practically lived in the same red jumper every single day and now want to burn it xoxo

When I was a uni student I was such a driven person – driven to prove people wrong, that I could be independent, that I could get over things that happened to me – it’s only been since I finished my MRes degree last year and had a break over the last six months that I have been able to meet myself outside of the validation of education and career success. It’s only during this time that I have been able to reconnect with my inner world, my creativity, and my goals. And now the girl that has been obsessed with continuing her education and being perceived as successful and strong has let herself breathe. She now questions just taking the next ‘logical’ step and weighs things up to protect her overall wellbeing and mental health.

Reconnecting with your Inner Dreamer

One thing I’ve realised heading into my late 20s is that the more you stay in bad habits the harder they get to break. When I was younger – say 20/21 – I could undo my bad habits relatively quickly and get myself on the straight and narrow. But now? Trying to get me to be consistent with my blog, going to the gym, going on daily walks, it takes effort, and when you’re in a place where you have no desire to change it doesn’t make it any easier lol. I know that we all do it – have goals but beat ourselves up for not being consistent enough and then avoid them altogether. I think we get too comfortable with being uncomfortable – even though where we are currently is making us uncomfortable (e.g. not feeling good for not being consistent with something) it’s actually more comfortable to not change and be in a situation you actually don’t want than to do the uncomfortable thing and go after what you DO want *headbutting desk meme*

However, one thing that has finally landed with me is this: in order to dream big, you have to do the practical, logical, important, monotonous things (yucky to creative people) in order to make your dreams a reality. How can you dream big for yourself if you’re not caring for the small things for yourself? It truly takes courage, determination and willpower for the SMALL THINGS. You have to care for yourself, to move your body, to push yourself to get what you want. Whatever it is that you know you need to do!! You need to get out of your own way sometimes – because it becomes a chronic issue.

And it’s not about judging yourself either. Like hello…?? Of course I was feeling unmotivated towards anything else when I spent age 24/25 talking about my whole life’s trauma in therapy, when I’m working tirelessly on my degree and trying to set up a business hahaha (no but seriously why do we not realise how much we are doing at once?!) I spent so long during this time beating myself up – why wasn’t I being consistent with the gym? Why wasn’t I capable of socialising with my friends as much? Why did I find it so hard to get into a routine? Why did this become a chronic issue? It actually makes me wanna scream just thinking about the frustration I harboured towards MYSELF during this time!!

It’s actually funny, and something most people don’t actually know about me. But when I moved to Australia, I found it extremely hard to leave the house. I came all this way, to my dream country, and I couldn’t even take myself for a coffee. And even though I was in a huge comfort zone, it was so, so, so uncomfortable for me. I felt like I had lost myself and I felt lost, confused, and like this wasn’t the right thing to do for me. I felt like I was incapable of living again, and it was terrifying (especially because 1. I’m the other side of the bloody world and 2. because I have dreamed of this since I was a child, and I was frozen with fear).

BUT… fast forward eight months of making small, tiny, medium, and now BIG changes – I am independent, I am emotionally well, I socialise with my friends and have made some new ones!! I’ve started this blog, and I’ve finally re-found the courage to go after what I want – I have been able to dream about the big things because I have slowly but surely been building up the little things. One of the first conversations I ever had with my therapist was just this. She told me that she doesn’t know how long the journey will be, because everyone is different, but each session we spend together is slowly but surely chipping, chipping, chipping away to make the biggest changes. To think I have suffered my whole life with mental health issues and I am finally growing in the ways I have always dreamed of is literal proof that you can too. It’s not easy but it’s so worth it.

Reminders to take away

None of us are perfect. It’s difficult to be consistent with things in life – things happen beyond our control and we have responsibilities that sometimes take over. So… I will leave one of the biggest lessons learned from therapy: just give yourself some grace, and be kind to yourself (and get yourself out on a walk!) – it won’t fix everything all at once, but I promise it helps.

Big dreams start small – the walk you keep putting off, the routine you aren’t dedicating yourself to, the tiny acts of self-love you think ‘don’t matter’. The small things matter (and so do you)!

Love,

Megs xxx